I’ve come to recognize my greatest fault: I consistently want more for most people than they want for themselves. This realization has been both humbling and enlightening as I reflect on my leadership journey and relationships with those around me.
Throughout my career, I’ve prided myself on seeing potential in others—sometimes potential they don’t see in themselves. While this might seem like a positive trait, it has often created unexpected problems and disappointments for both parties involved.
When Caring Becomes Counterproductive
At my company, PCE phone, I worked with two employees who perfectly exemplified this dynamic. I saw tremendous capabilities in them and pushed them toward what I believed they could achieve. I invested time, energy, and emotion into their development, convinced I was doing what was best for their growth.
But here’s what happened: they couldn’t meet the expectations I had set. The gap between my vision for them and their own ambitions created friction and frustration. Eventually, they began blaming me when they couldn’t live up to the standards I had established.
This pattern has repeated itself throughout my professional life. My desire to see others succeed sometimes blinds me to what they actually want for themselves. I place people in positions that don’t align with their own goals or readiness levels—not out of malice, but paradoxically, because I care too much.
View this post on Instagram
The Unintended Consequences
When we want more for others than they want for themselves, several problems emerge:
- We create unrealistic expectations that set people up for failure
- We inadvertently make others feel inadequate or pressured
- We misalign roles with actual capabilities and desires
- We foster dependency rather than autonomy
The truth is that personal drive must come from within. No amount of external motivation can replace someone’s internal desire to grow and improve. When I push people beyond their own ambitions, I’m not respecting their agency or their right to define success on their terms.
Finding Balance Between Support and Respect
This realization has forced me to reconsider how I approach mentorship and leadership. Great leaders don’t impose their vision on others—they help people discover and pursue their own vision. They create environments where growth is possible but not mandated.
Now I try to ask better questions: “What do you want for yourself?” rather than assuming I know what’s best. I work to align opportunities with individual goals rather than my perception of someone’s potential. This approach honors others’ autonomy while still providing support and guidance.
You put them in a position that isn’t right because you love them so much.
This statement captures the paradox perfectly. My intentions are good—I genuinely care about the success of those around me. But when that care transforms into expectations that others haven’t bought into, it becomes counterproductive.
A New Approach to Leadership
Moving forward, I’m committed to a more balanced approach. I still believe in encouraging growth and challenging people to stretch beyond their comfort zones. However, I now recognize the importance of meeting people where they are and respecting their own timeline and definition of success.
True leadership isn’t about molding others into what we think they should be. It’s about creating conditions where people can discover and pursue their own potential. Sometimes this means stepping back and allowing others to progress at their own pace, even if we see possibilities they don’t yet recognize.
My greatest fault has become my greatest teacher. By wanting more for others than they want for themselves, I’ve learned the importance of respecting individual agency and the personal nature of ambition. This lesson continues to shape how I interact with colleagues, employees, and even friends and family.
The next time you find yourself frustrated because someone isn’t living up to what you know they could achieve, ask yourself: Is this about their goals or mine? The answer might change how you approach the situation—and lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How can I tell if I’m pushing someone too hard versus providing helpful motivation?
Look for signs of resistance, burnout, or resentment. Healthy motivation energizes people, while pushing too hard often leads to withdrawal or defensiveness. Regular check-ins about their goals and comfort levels can help maintain the right balance.
Q: What’s the difference between having high standards and wanting too much for others?
High standards become problematic when they’re imposed rather than agreed upon. The key difference lies in ownership—are these standards something the person has embraced for themselves, or are they primarily your vision for them? Effective standards should be challenging but aligned with the individual’s own aspirations.
Q: How can leaders support growth without overstepping boundaries?
Start by asking questions rather than making assumptions. Create opportunities but don’t mandate paths. Offer resources and remove obstacles, but let individuals determine how far and how fast they want to go. The best support comes from understanding what motivates each person individually.
Q: What if someone has potential they don’t recognize in themselves?
This is a common situation. Instead of pushing directly, try creating safe opportunities for them to experience success in small steps. Share observations about their strengths without attaching expectations. Sometimes people need to discover their capabilities at their own pace through experience rather than being told about them.
Q: How do you recover a relationship where you’ve pushed someone too hard?
Start with a genuine apology that acknowledges the impact of your actions without justifications. Reset expectations together based on their input. Going forward, demonstrate, through your actions, that you respect their autonomy by checking in before offering guidance. Rebuilding trust takes time and consistency, but most relationships can recover with sincere effort.
