How We Label Ourselves
Too often, we take moments from our past and turn them into permanent identity labels. I could have decided that the stealing incident meant I was fundamentally dishonest – a liar, a cheater, a robber, a thief. But that would be attaching a lifetime identity to a single childhood mistake.
Yes, in that moment, I was being dishonest. But I was seven years old. Children make mistakes as they learn about consequences and morality—the meaning we assign to our experiences shapes who we become far more than the experiences themselves.
This is what people do to themselves all the time:
- They make a mistake in business and decide they’re “bad with money.”
- They fail at a relationship and label themselves “unlovable
- They miss an opportunity and determine they’re “not meant for success.”
These self-assigned labels become self-fulfilling prophecies that limit our potential and happiness.
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Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Stories
Throughout my career, I’ve coached thousands of entrepreneurs and executives, and I’ve noticed that the most successful individuals share a common trait: they refuse to let past mistakes define their identity. Instead, they extract lessons from those experiences.
My childhood theft taught me several valuable lessons:
- Actions have consequences that affect others
- Honesty matters, especially with those who trust you
- The courage to admit mistakes is harder, but ultimately healing
These lessons shaped my character far more positively than if I’d simply labeled myself a “thief” and carried that identity forward.
Rewriting Your Personal Narrative
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are have tremendous power. I encourage you to examine the meanings you’ve assigned to your past mistakes. Are you carrying labels that no longer serve you?
Perhaps you’ve been holding onto something from childhood, adolescence, or even your adult years that you’ve turned into a permanent identity marker. Ask yourself: “Is this really who I am, or was this just something I did?”
The distinction is crucial. Your actions exist in moments. Your identity exists across a lifetime.
You are not defined by your worst moments any more than you are defined solely by your best ones. You are the accumulation of all your experiences, choices, growth, and learning.
The seven-year-old who stole money grew up to become someone who values integrity and helps others reach their full potential. Not because I ignored that mistake, but because I refused to let it define me.
What labels are you ready to release today?
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How can I stop defining myself by past mistakes?
Start by recognizing when you’re using absolute language about yourself (“I’m always…” or “I never…”). Challenge these statements by finding exceptions. Then reframe your past actions as things you did rather than who you are. Remember that behavior exists in specific moments, while identity spans a lifetime.
Q: Why do we tend to label ourselves based on negative experiences?
Our brains have a negativity bias—we’re wired to remember and dwell on negative experiences as a survival mechanism. This made sense evolutionarily (remembering dangers kept us alive), but in modern life, it can lead to unhelpful self-labeling. Awareness of this tendency is the first step to overcoming it.
Q: How can parents help children learn from mistakes without creating negative self-labels?
Focus on addressing the behavior rather than labeling the child. Say “That was a dishonest choice” instead of “You’re a liar.” Help them understand consequences while emphasizing their capacity to make better choices next time. This teaches accountability without attaching permanent negative identities.
Q: Does forgiving yourself for past mistakes mean you’re not taking responsibility?
Not at all. True self-forgiveness actually requires taking full responsibility for one’s actions. The difference is that you acknowledge what happened, make amends where possible, learn the lesson, and then release the need to punish yourself indefinitely. Responsibility without forgiveness becomes punishment; forgiveness without responsibility becomes denial.
Q: How long does it typically take to change a negative self-identity?
This varies greatly depending on how deeply ingrained the identity is and how actively you work to change it. For some, a powerful realization may immediately shift their perspective. For others, especially with childhood-based identities, it may take consistent practice over months or years. The key is persistence—each time you catch and correct a negative self-label, you’re rewiring your brain’s default patterns.