There’s a striking irony I’ve witnessed repeatedly in my work with clients seeking healing from relationship trauma. When people who have cheated get cheated on themselves, they often experience a devastating emotional collapse that seems disproportionate given their own past actions.
This reaction reveals one of the most fascinating aspects of human psychology: our remarkable ability to justify our own transgressions while being utterly destroyed by the same behavior when we’re on the receiving end.
The Double Standard of Infidelity
The cheater who later gets cheated on faces a brutal awakening. They already know the mechanics of deception intimately – the careful crafting of lies, the secret meetings, the deleted messages. When they were the ones stepping outside the relationship, they likely minimized their actions:
- It was just a mistake
- It didn’t mean anything
- It won’t happen again
- You’re overreacting
These justifications serve as emotional armor, protecting them from fully confronting the damage they’ve caused. The ego is masterful at this kind of self-protection, creating distance between our actions and their consequences.
The Shattering Reality of Betrayal
But when the tables turn, that armor disappears. Suddenly, they feel the full weight of betrayal – a pain they previously dismissed when inflicting it on someone else. This isn’t just about hurt feelings; it’s a profound psychological wound that affects:
The collapse of safety in the relationship is often the first devastating blow. The foundation of trust that they took for granted (even while undermining it themselves) suddenly crumbles beneath them.
Next comes the shattering of self-worth. Questions flood in: “Am I not enough?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why would they do this?” – the very same questions their partner likely asked when they were the betrayer.
The ego does a very good job at minimizing the pain you cause someone else, but it’s only when you experience it yourself that you know the real damage.
The Mirror of Pain
This reversal creates a powerful opportunity for growth — though few take it. When someone who has cheated experiences betrayal themselves, they face a mirror reflecting the actual impact of their past actions.
For many, this becomes a moment of profound realization. The pain they’re feeling is precisely what they inflicted on someone else. The justifications they once used now sound hollow when they hear them directed back at them.
My work with clients in this situation focuses on this painful recognition. Without excusing either instance of infidelity, we can use this mirroring to develop genuine empathy, perhaps for the first time.
Breaking the Cycle
The most transformative healing happens when someone can hold two difficult truths simultaneously: the pain they’re feeling is real and valid, AND they caused this same pain to someone else.
This dual awareness breaks the cycle of justification and victimhood that keeps many trapped in destructive relationship patterns. It’s not about punishment or karma – it’s about finally seeing the full picture of how our actions impact others.
In my years helping people navigate relationship trauma, I’ve found that those who can embrace this difficult truth often experience the most profound healing. They move beyond the self-protective instincts of the ego and develop a deeper capacity for honesty, empathy, and genuine connection.
The path forward isn’t about shame or self-flagellation. It’s about honest recognition, making amends where possible, and committing to integrity in future relationships. The painful irony of being cheated on can, with the proper support, become a doorway to profound personal transformation for the cheater.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Why do people who have cheated react so strongly when they get cheated on?
When someone who has cheated gets cheated on, their strong reaction stems from finally experiencing the full emotional impact of betrayal firsthand. Their ego previously protected them from acknowledging the depth of pain they caused, but when they become the betrayed party, they can no longer maintain that psychological distance.
Q: Does experiencing betrayal after being a cheater lead to genuine remorse?
Not automatically. While experiencing betrayal can create an opportunity for profound empathy and understanding, many people instead become trapped in feelings of victimhood without making the connection to their own past actions. Genuine remorse requires consciously connecting their current pain to what they previously inflicted on others.
Q: Is there a psychological term for minimizing our own harmful actions while being devastated by similar actions from others?
This phenomenon is related to several psychological concepts, including cognitive dissonance, self-serving bias, and the fundamental attribution error. We tend to attribute our own negative behaviors to external circumstances (“I cheated because I was unhappy”) while attributing others’ identical behaviors to their character flaws (“They cheated because they’re selfish”).
Q: Can relationships recover after both partners have cheated?
Recovery is possible, but it requires an extraordinary commitment to honesty and rebuilding trust. When both partners have experienced being both the betrayer and the betrayed, they have a unique opportunity to develop deeper empathy. However, this mutual betrayal often creates complex trauma that may require professional support to navigate successfully.
Q: What’s the first step in healing from the irony of being cheated on after having cheated?
The crucial first step is acknowledging the connection between your current pain and the pain you previously caused. This doesn’t mean diminishing your own hurt, but rather expanding your awareness to include both experiences. This dual recognition creates space for authentic healing rather than simply seeking sympathy while avoiding accountability.