I have a confession to make. My greatest fault isn’t lack of ambition or drive – it’s actually the opposite. I want more for most people than they want for themselves. This realization has been both humbling and frustrating throughout my career.
This tendency became crystal clear with two employees at PCO. I saw their potential and pushed them toward what I believed they could achieve. But when they couldn’t meet those expectations, they blamed me. The hard truth? I had set them up for failure by projecting my own ambitions onto them.
The Danger of Projecting Our Ambitions
When we care deeply about others – whether they’re employees, friends, or family members – we naturally want to see them succeed. But there’s a fine line between encouragement and imposing our vision on someone else’s life.
I’ve learned this lesson repeatedly throughout my business career. As someone who has coached countless entrepreneurs and athletes, I’ve seen firsthand how my enthusiasm for others’ potential can sometimes backfire.
The problem occurs when:
- We project our definition of success onto others
- We push people into roles that don’t align with their true desires
- We create expectations based on what we see in them, not what they see in themselves
This mismatch creates tension and often leads to disappointment on both sides. The person feels inadequate for not meeting expectations, while I feel frustrated that they’re not capitalizing on what seems like obvious potential.
Love Can Cloud Judgment
The root of this issue is actually love. As I reflected on those PCO employees, I realized my affection for them clouded my judgment. “You put them in a position that isn’t right because you love them so,” is precisely what happened.
When we care about people, we want the best for them. But my version of “best” isn’t necessarily their version. This disconnect creates situations where:
People feel pressured to pursue paths they didn’t choose
They become resentful when they can’t meet expectations they never set for themselves. And ultimately, the relationship suffers because what was intended as support feels like pressure.
Finding Balance Between Support and Autonomy
Over time, I’ve worked to adjust my approach. I still believe in people’s potential – that won’t change. But I’m learning to:
- Ask more questions about what others truly want
- Listen to understand their vision, not just to confirm mine
- Offer guidance without attachment to outcomes
- Respect when someone’s ambitions differ from what I envision
- Support their chosen path, even if it’s not the one I would choose
This shift hasn’t been easy. When you’ve built a career on helping others maximize their potential, it’s hard to accept that some people are content with less than what you believe they could achieve.
A New Definition of Leadership
True leadership isn’t about molding others into what we think they should be. It’s about creating environments where people can discover and pursue their own definitions of success.
I’m still working on this balance. There are days when I catch myself slipping back into old patterns, wanting more for someone than they want for themselves. But I’m more aware now of how this tendency, while well-intentioned, can actually hinder rather than help.
My experience with those PCO employees taught me that sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is step back and let others define their own path. This doesn’t mean abandoning mentorship or guidance – it means offering it with open hands rather than closed fists.
The irony isn’t lost on me that my most significant fault stems from caring deeply. But recognizing this pattern has made me a better leader, mentor, and friend. I’m learning that proper support means helping people become the best versions of themselves—not the versions I imagine for them.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How can you tell if you’re pushing someone too hard versus appropriately challenging them?
The key difference lies in whose goals you’re pursuing. When you’re appropriately challenging someone, you’re helping them reach objectives they’ve set for themselves. If you find yourself frustrated because they don’t share your enthusiasm for a particular path, that’s a sign you might be imposing your vision rather than supporting theirs.
Q: What should you do when you genuinely see potential in someone they don’t see in themselves?
Share your observations without attachment. You might say, “I notice you have a talent for X” or “Have you considered exploring Y?” Then step back. Plant the seed, but let them decide whether to water it. Remember that timing matters too – sometimes people aren’t ready to embrace certain opportunities until later in their journey.
Q: How has this realization changed your approach to mentoring?
I now spend much more time asking questions and listening before offering guidance. I try to understand what success looks like to the person I’m mentoring, rather than assuming my definition applies to them. This has made my mentoring relationships more collaborative and ultimately more effective.
Q: Can wanting too much for others damage professional relationships?
Absolutely. As I experienced with my PCO employees, it can create resentment and a sense of failure. When people feel they’re constantly falling short of expectations they never agreed to, they often become defensive or disengaged. This damages trust and can ultimately lead to the breakdown of professional relationships.
Q: How do you balance having high standards as a leader while not overwhelming your team?
High standards for work quality are different from imposing personal ambitions. As a leader, I set clear performance expectations while remaining flexible about individual career paths. I’ve learned to focus on creating environments where people can excel in their chosen direction, rather than trying to direct everyone toward a specific definition of success.
