When someone wrongs me, my first instinct isn’t anger or retaliation. Instead, I turn inward and ask myself a critical question: “What did I do to attract this negative energy?” This approach might seem counterintuitive to many, but it’s been transformative in my personal and professional life.
I believe that when people attack us—whether through words, actions, or behind-the-scenes manipulation—it offers a powerful opportunity for self-examination. Rather than immediately placing blame, I’ve learned to pause and reflect on what I might have done to invite such behavior.
The Two-Step Response to Negativity
My response to being wronged follows a simple but powerful two-step process:
- Self-reflection: “What did I do to get that attacking thought? What did I do to get that attacking action?”
- Compassion: I pray for their happiness, recognizing that happy people don’t feel the need to harm others.
This approach shifts the focus from victimhood to personal responsibility and empathy. It’s not about blaming myself for others’ poor behavior, but rather understanding what energy I might be projecting that attracts such interactions.
The Root of Harmful Behavior
I’ve come to understand a fundamental truth about human behavior: happy people don’t hurt others. When someone tries to manipulate, deceive, or attack me, it’s almost always coming from a place of unhappiness or insecurity within themselves.
Think about it—have you ever been in a state of genuine joy and fulfillment and simultaneously felt the urge to undermine someone else? Probably not. The desire to harm others typically stems from internal pain, fear, or lack.
If they were happy, they wouldn’t be attacking me. If they were happy, they wouldn’t be screwing me, they won’t be manipulating me.
This realization has helped me respond with compassion rather than defensiveness. When I recognize that the person wronging me is likely suffering, my natural response shifts from anger to empathy.
Breaking the Cycle of Negativity
By implementing this two-step approach, I’ve been able to break free from cycles of conflict that might otherwise escalate. Instead of meeting negativity with more negativity, I choose to:
- Examine my own behavior and energy
- Consider how I might have contributed to the situation
- Wish happiness for the other person
- Respond from a place of understanding rather than ego
This doesn’t mean I allow people to take advantage of me. On the contrary, this approach has helped me set healthier boundaries while maintaining my own peace of mind.
The Business Application
In my years of business leadership, I’ve applied this philosophy countless times. When deals fall through, when partners act dishonestly, or when employees underperform, my first question is always about what I could have done differently.
Did I fail to communicate expectations clearly? Did I miss signs of discontent? Did I create an environment where dishonesty seemed like the best option? These questions have led to more productive solutions than simply blaming others ever could.
The most successful business relationships I’ve built have been with people who share this mindset—those who look inward before pointing fingers outward.
A Daily Practice
This approach isn’t just for major conflicts; it’s a daily practice. When my wife and I disagree, when a friend misunderstands me, or when a stranger is rude, I try to apply these same principles.
The results have been remarkable. Relationships heal faster, misunderstandings clear up more easily, and I maintain my own peace regardless of others’ actions.
I encourage you to try this approach the next time someone wrongs you. Ask yourself what you might have done to attract that energy, and then sincerely wish happiness for the other person. You might be surprised at how quickly it transforms both the situation and your own emotional state.
The greatest power we have is not in changing others but in changing our response to them. And sometimes, the most powerful response is simply to wish them the happiness they’re clearly missing.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Isn’t this approach just blaming yourself for others’ bad behavior?
No, it’s not about blame but about personal responsibility. I’m not suggesting you’re at fault when others mistreat you. Rather, I’m advocating for examining what energy you might be projecting or what patterns you might be participating in that could be changed to create different outcomes in the future.
Q: How do you maintain this mindset when someone has seriously wronged you?
The more serious the wrong, the more challenging this approach becomes—but also the more necessary. For major betrayals or hurts, I give myself time to feel the emotions fully before moving to reflection. Sometimes this process takes days or weeks, and that’s okay. The key is eventually moving toward understanding rather than remaining stuck in resentment.
Q: Does wishing happiness for those who wrong you actually change anything?
It changes everything—starting with your own mental state. When you genuinely wish well for someone who has hurt you, you free yourself from the burden of resentment. Additionally, this shift in energy often affects how you interact with that person going forward, which can sometimes lead to repaired relationships or, at minimum, personal peace.
Q: How can this philosophy be applied in a competitive business environment?
In business, this approach has helped me build stronger teams and more honest partnerships. When a competitor undercuts me or a negotiation turns hostile, looking inward helps me identify what I could improve next time. Meanwhile, wishing success for others—even competitors—creates an abundance mindset that actually attracts more opportunities rather than limiting them.
Q: What if self-reflection reveals you truly did nothing to contribute to the situation?
Sometimes you’ll find that you genuinely didn’t contribute to the negative interaction. In those cases, the reflection still serves a purpose—it confirms that the other person’s behavior is entirely about their own issues. This makes it even easier to move to step two: wishing them happiness, knowing with certainty that their actions stem from their own unhappiness rather than anything you did.
