Marriage can be a battlefield, but often we’re fighting enemies that don’t exist. I’ve spent years helping couples navigate relationship challenges, and one pattern emerges consistently: we create elaborate stories about our partners’ intentions that have little connection to reality.
When your spouse sends a terse text message or gives you that look, what happens next in your mind? For most of us, our ego immediately constructs a narrative. “They don’t respect my time.” “They’re trying to make me feel guilty.” “They just don’t care about my feelings.”
These stories feel real because they tap into our deepest insecurities and past wounds. But they’re usually just assumptions – powerful fictions that drive real conflict.
The Dangerous Cycle of Assumption
The human mind is a meaning-making machine. We take small cues – a tone of voice, a facial expression, a delayed response – and our brain fills in the blanks with a complete story. This happens automatically and often without our awareness.
What makes this particularly dangerous in marriage is that these assumptions trigger emotional responses. When I believe my spouse is deliberately trying to control me, I feel threatened and respond defensively. My partner then reacts to my defensiveness rather than their original intention, and suddenly we’re in a full-blown argument that neither of us understands.
This cycle creates a troubling pattern:
- You misinterpret a neutral action as negative
- You react to your interpretation, not the actual action
- Your partner responds to your reaction, not their original intent
- Both of you become increasingly confused and frustrated
The most painful part? We’re not actually fighting with our real partner but with a villain our mind has created.
Breaking Free From the Story
The solution sounds simple but requires tremendous courage: stop fighting the story in your head and ask your partner what they actually meant.
When you feel triggered by something your partner has done, pause and ask: “When you said/did X, I interpreted it as Y. Is that what you meant?”
This approach has transformed countless relationships I’ve worked with. One client described it as “finally taking off blinders I didn’t know I was wearing.” She had spent years believing her husband was deliberately dismissive of her career ambitions, only to discover he was actually intimidated by her success and worried about holding her back.
The second crucial step is equally challenging: when your partner tells you their real intention, believe them. This requires overriding your ego’s insistence that it knows the “real truth.”
Why This Is So Hard
There are several reasons we struggle with this seemingly simple solution:
- Our brains are wired to protect us from threats, including emotional ones
- Past relationship wounds create templates we unconsciously apply to current situations
- It’s easier to blame our partner than examine our own insecurities
- We confuse our interpretations with objective reality
Understanding these barriers helps us approach the situation with more compassion for ourselves and our partners. We’re not being deliberately difficult – we’re being human.
A Practice of Curiosity
The antidote to assumption is curiosity. When you feel yourself creating a story about your partner’s intentions, get curious instead of convinced. This shift from certainty to inquiry can transform your relationship.
I encourage couples to practice this daily, not just during conflicts. Ask questions like “What was going through your mind when you suggested that?” or “How are you feeling about our plans?” without assuming you already know the answer.
This practice builds a habit of checking assumptions rather than acting on them. Over time, you’ll find yourself creating fewer negative stories and experiencing more genuine connection.
Most marriages don’t fail because people are incompatible or because one partner is villainous. They fail because we stop seeing our actual partner and start fighting with the character our mind has created. By challenging our assumptions and choosing curiosity over certainty, we can return to seeing the person we fell in love with – flawed, complex, and almost never the villain of our story.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How can I tell the difference between a legitimate concern and just my ego creating a story?
Look for patterns over time rather than isolated incidents. If your concern is based on consistent behavior that your partner has acknowledged, it may be legitimate. If it’s based on your interpretation of their motives without discussion, it’s more likely your ego at work. When in doubt, ask directly about the specific behavior without attributing intentions.
Q: What if my partner denies bad intentions but their behavior doesn’t change?
This requires a deeper conversation about impact versus intent. Your partner may not intend harm but still be causing it. Focus the discussion on how their actions affect you rather than accusing them of bad intentions. If patterns persist despite clear communication, consider seeking help from a relationship counselor who can facilitate more productive conversations.
Q: How do I stop my mind from automatically creating these negative stories?
This is a practice that takes time. Start by simply noticing when you’re creating a story. Label it: “I notice I’m creating a story that my partner doesn’t respect me.” This awareness creates space between the trigger and your reaction. With practice, you can learn to pause and question your assumptions before acting on them.
Q: What if my partner is actually being manipulative or dishonest?
Trust your instincts but verify with evidence. In cases of genuine manipulation, there will typically be a pattern of behavior that doesn’t match words, gaslighting, or refusal to engage in honest conversation. If you suspect this is happening, consider working with a professional who specializes in relationship dynamics to help you assess the situation objectively.
Q: Can this approach help with long-standing resentments that have built up over years?
Yes, but it requires patience and commitment from both partners. Long-standing resentments often involve layers of misinterpretations that have calcified over time. Start by addressing current interactions with this new approach, which builds trust and creates a foundation for revisiting older hurts. As trust grows, you can begin exploring past conflicts with fresh eyes, potentially discovering that many were based on misunderstandings rather than malice.
